|Halloween 1991, when I was single last time. Some things have changed...|
|Me now, 20 years older & more than 20#s heavier. Oh my, lots of work to do.|
I don't hold onto the past or cling to what if's & shoulda woulda coulda's, so I know that seems cold & maybe disrespectful. But if life can be cut short so quickly, like Jeff's was, what are we doing if we waste our little bit of time being dead too. Didn't Jesus tell us to let the dead bury the dead. He meant spiritually dead, but isn't that the same. If we worship the body even after it is gone then we too are dead.
Now, I am not saying I am looking for a new man or that I don't miss Jeff ever single day. But one day last week it hit me, you are not married any more. I spent all day with the thought "take that wedding ring off, take that wedding ring off". It So that night I did & I put it away. It was very heartbreaking & emotional, but I put on another ring on my middle finger in it's place. I still have Jeff's wedding band on my right hand. As soon as I took the ring off the nagging in my head went away. In my heart, I know no matter how much I love Jeff or how much I miss him or how much I wish he were still here he never will be. It isn't like a divorce or a break up. With those situations, you always have time for a second chance. Why you want a chance with someone who didn't want you, I will never know, but you have that. Me, I have no chance. I just have a choice. Do I sit around here being "dead" too, or do I live.
So I finally joined the Tampa Bay Camera Club, after years of not joining because they meet 2 Friday's in a row per month & I figured Jeff would not like that too much. If gas weren't high I would join a Camaro club, but I don't want to put the miles on my car anyway. I started school (on line) & I eventually will have to hook up with my single friends & start going out. Oh wait, doing that next Sunday.
It is my sincere hope that Jeff's family does not feel like I am not respecting him, because they would be so wrong. If I could have him back tonight I would do it in a heartbeat. But we know that isn't going to happen.
Anyway, if anyone doesn't think I am doing what is right I kind of have to say, screw you. I was single last when I was 35. At that time, dating was hard. Even when I was most mad at Jeff I remembered how horrible it was to live alone & to date & thought I could put up with anything he did (which was just being grumpy) if it meant I never had to date again. Yet, here I am, back on the block.
You know what that means ladies, lose the weight, lift the boobs, hide the wrinkles. I wish I could afford to tighten, lift & tuck, but I will just be one of those "What you see is what you get" gals. That is how I did it with Jeff. I decided right off he would see me without my make up & without my hair all done up. I told him my stomach wasn't very pretty & my boobs have met gravity. He loved me anyway, just like that. Do you think there is another Jeff out there waiting for me? Could I be that blessed twice?
I just hope that any lessons I have left to learn are good sweet lessons. Like how to live with an abundance of funds. How to travel the world & stay at the best hotels. How to never worry how to pay a bill, or if I can make the money stretch. How to never have to do my own taxes again. How to travel the seven seas. How to live the sweetest life ever. Yes, how about that lesson plan. Do you think it is written for me? I hope it is written for you too.
PS: My dream, since Jeff & I got together was to own a family compound in the Keys. Well, he is gone & the kids are grown & their kids are growing. But it can still happen. Not a Lykes type compound (if you live in Tampa, you know), but a nice vacation compound down in the Keys. Jeff & I used to read the Keys newspaper & see them for sale all the time, islands with homes, Mercedes & planes, all included. Yes sir, write it down, make it happen.